Saturday, May 8, 2010

May 2010


I don't want to think of the future
because I know
it will be grim.
I know there will be nothing bright waiting for me
so I deperately search for things
that would make it brighter.
I make plans
but the agenda of others always change them.
I hate it!
I hate how I always have to change my plans!
I always make back-up plans
and more plans to back-up the back-ups
but it ticks me off
how I can easily be pressured
into what people want!
I hate it.

When I say what I feel,
I always end up feeling guilty.
When I ask about things I wonder,
I always feel stupid.
People laugh at me,
I know,
because I can hear them
and I can see them.
I have to say things that I don't actually feel
and things that I don't actually wonder
just to feel better.

I can never be me
unless I am with myself.
I do wonder often though,
maybe this me that I don't think is me
is actually me.

To the future me,
I hope you found happiness and yourself.


  1. i feel like you just 'read' a piece of me.
    I especially like that part where you wrote, "I always make back-up plans// and more plans to back-up the back-ups". I can relate.

    This is beautifully written. It flashes a glimpse of your heart. Thanks for sharing :)

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