Saturday, March 8, 2014

Hello me, where are you?

When you find a lack of updates on this blog, it is because I am trying to sort things out and find myself in the offline world. This is not an SOS: this is serious business.

For awhile now, I was wondering how my presence on the Internet may affect my experiences offline. Will I regret sharing something on the Internet? Will my attitude and what I share online affect my relationship with people I know in person? I asked many questions and the answers came to me in the form of experience. People I am connected with online and in person saw what I shared and noted my attitude; drama ensued and it looked like it was here to stay. People became frustrated with me because of the drama. I became frustrated with myself. I was scared, so I put aside blogging and online networking. I started avoiding people, but I still faced the people involved with the drama. I lost interest in my hobbies, became more reclusive, and spent my days wondering what I should do with my life. I usually don't wonder about the meaning of my life, but when frustrated people continuously ask me questions about my life, such as "what are you going to do with your life?", "don't you want to get married?", and "when do you plan to have kids?", I give into their plan to make me think about my life. I eventually apologized to the frustrated people: my way of trying to end the drama. I didn't apologize with much confidence because I was still scared, anxious, and frustrated with myself. I thought the apology would be enough, but it wasn't; it was only a temporary solution. I felt like I faced my problem, but I also ran away from it. Now its residual outcomes are here to stay forever.

I later decided to get in touch with old and new friends through online networking sites and volunteering. I decided to meet people because I knew how unhealthy it was to be a recluse. I am happy I made that decision.

My next step: finally learning tai chi.

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